You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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