you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
