3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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