evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize