yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
