Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
