so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I got inside last night via doggy door
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
