Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
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