Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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