Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
