i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
