evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
