he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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