It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
