He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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