I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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