i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
