Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
