I cannot find my penis.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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