I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
