you guys were way drunker than both of me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
