My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
