Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize