i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
