no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
