Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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