So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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