the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am naked and annoyed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
