Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
