Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
