Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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