Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Bring me that man meat
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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