One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
