we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
