Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
