happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
