I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
