Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
