My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
