im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
