gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
