Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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