It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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