cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
