Define "chronic" masturbator.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
