3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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