oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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