His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
