Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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