He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
