I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So much rum. So many feels.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
