you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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