you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize