he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
