That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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