we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
